Archive for January, 2005

Coast II Coast Conversation

Tammara ‘cross the country @ blogging.la details a recent blind date that left her wondering wtf? Well-wishers and fellow Los Angelinos chime in with their own successes and failures in the dating scene and a lil

SLUMBER PARTY? THAT’S A GREAT IDEA, DAD!

I just watched / heard the Ashlee Simpson debacle on iFilm…good lord. I guess my only comment is that the saddest part about the whole thing is there’s clearly someone in her camp very close to her assuring her that she is, in fact, talented and deserving of attention and praise. Which, clear as vodka, she’s not – though in all fairness I think most of us have willingly entertained our own personal Iagos, especially at her age. I have $20 that says it’s her manager / pimp / “father” Joe Simpson. God, is he creepy or what? There’s no doubt in my mind he was hitting on Jessica’s friends when she was 15. Hell, I bet he was hitting on Ashlee’s friends when Jessica was 15.

Ramen

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Last night I was jonesing for some soup and out of my old standby, Top Ramen, so I ventured out in search of surrogates. At the outrageously overpriced deli at Hudson and W. 11th (Abingdon Sq Market), I browsed the imported Korean ramen section. A nice Asian girl warned me away from the one with kim chee in it and recommended the Shin Cup. I got it. It’s delicious. It’s head and shoulders above Top Ramen and torso and head above the vile Cup o’ Soup.

Today I went to Sunrise Mart on Broome and picked up a BIG Shin Cup for $1.09 — $0.41 less than Abingdon charged for the small cup. Down with Abindgon (prices)! Up with heart disease. It’s incredible how much salt and fat they manage to pack into these seemingly innocuous noodles. I didn’t use the whole seasoning packet and it was still super spicy/briny. Ah well. Unless you cook for yourself, the cheaper you eat, the more you die. ;)

AT THE VERY LEAST, HE DID MAKE THE TRAINS RUN ON TIME

Here’s my New Year’s resolution: I’m going to stop putting up with you fucking people who don’t know how to walk in a city. I’m just going to carry a lead pipe pull and Nancy Kerrigan your fucking knees so that you have to stay inside all the time. Hopefully crying uncontrollably and periodically losing control of your sphincter because of the pain. And maybe if I’m lucky your family will eventually take you out back and shoot you, then send your remains to the glue factory so when I’m sealing the envelope that contains my final installment for the new lead pipe I have on layaway, a small piece of you goes with it.

Many of you will blame the tourists, and while I don’t necessarily agree that they are the bulk of the problem, I think some sort of licensing system could be the solution. You see, walking in a crowded urban area is much like driving – you don’t only have to worry about yourself, but about those travelling alongside you. Did you stop suddenly? You fucked up. Do you walk diagonally, weave back and forth, or otherwise fail to walk in a straight line? You fucked up. Are you standing directly in front of the subway entrance talking to someone, trying to decide which train to take and blocking everyone either coming or going? I’m pushing you both down the stairs, then paying a homeless guy $20 to urinate on you at the bottom.

Then, of course, there’s the class of vehicle. For example, on my license it clearly states I’m only allowed to operate a class D vehicle, “less than 26001 lbs., except for school bus” (let’s not get into the fact that the ONLY big-ass fucker I’m allowed to operate is filled with screaming kids who like fires, throwing things, and loud noises). Well, the same should go for walking. Are you hugely fat? Like, waddling fat? You take up too much space. Like certain highways are off-limits to 18-wheelers, the sidewalks are now off-limits to you. The good news is that you get your own lane, the Waddling Lane. Instead of a diamond (like the car-pool lane), your symbol is three cheesecakes inside a circle of self-loathing. The bad news (for you) is all the new lanes are one-way and head directly to Georgia, where they loves them some fatties and enjoy a slower, more sedentary way of life. Plus, they’ll deep-fry anything.

As for the people who walk 3- or 4-abreast, or couples who refuse to stop holding hands on insanely crowded streets, a fine system will be put in place. For group offenders, the first and only citation involves all of you being thrown into a pit and fighting to the death over a Corky from “Life Goes On” figurine (symbolic of your absolute fucking inability to properly function in society). The last person standing perpetuates survival of the fittest (thereby ensuring you’re less likely to walk slowly or erratically), plus he or she has killed the rest of their group, so problem solved. For couples, the fine is that I get to have sex with your girlfriend. Unless she’s ugly or something, in which case you having sex with her is probably punishment enough. In that case, or in the case of a man-and-man couple, the elderly, etc., the licenses will simply be revoked (i.e. knee-smashin’ time!).

And so forth and so on until this issue is resolved.

Thank you, and happy fucking New Year.

in with the new

One of my New Year’s Resolutions ought to be to post here more. I thought I’d start with Sonia’s list, but I found it sort of hard, since I just moved here about 6 months ago and my “favorite” places are the ones I’ve been to more than once. I added a few of my own categories at the end.

1. Favorite Place for Brunch: Robin des Bois in Carroll Gardens/Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
2. Fave Restaurant: I have a favorite Thai place (Lemongrass Grill); a favorite Mexican place (MaryAnn’s Tribeca); favorite Italian place (Sapore in the West Village); favorite American (2nd St. Cafe in Park Slope) and others.
3. Fave Bar: Long Tan in Park Slope, Brooklyn; or Rouge in Midtown.
4. Favorite Deli/Food Mart: Charleston’s in Midtown. They have British candy (aka “sweets”).
5. Favorite Store: If Mom’s paying, Sac in Soho. If I’m paying, Macy’s Herald Square
6. Favorite Movie Theater: Film Forum on Houston
7. Favorite Place to Be Entertained or Have Fun for Free: Central Park
8. Favorite Neighborhood: Chelsea/Meatpacking district
9. Fave Local Band: Enemies (so what if it’s my cousin? They’re a real band. www.weareenemies.com)
10. Fave Local Resource: www.hopstop.com

My additions:
Favorite overhyped eatery: Teany on the Lower East Side. It’s overpriced and there’s usually a wait, but the food is vegan and too, too delicious.

Least favorite eating experience of 2004: Gobo in the West Village. Some foods were never meant to be served together, such as their “avocado tartare,” which is basically guacamole with chewy tofu chunks. Also they can’t just serve carrot cake with cream cheese icing, it has to be “sake hard sauce.” I paid $35 for this?

Favorite guilty pleasure store: The Sanrio store in Times Square. I almost never go to Times Square, because it’s a madhouse and I rarely have reason to go, but if I’m there, I absolutely have to stop in and buy a Hello Kitty pencil or something.

Best place to watch relationships disintegrate: The Container Store. I have witnessed so many fights between couples over rattan magazine racks and umbra waste baskets. Also they have an excellent selection of soap dishes, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Favorite coffeeshop: Cafe Regular in Park Slope. But dude, seriously, don’t go. There’s only enough seating for about ten people, and on the weekends it’s crowded enough as it is. (Actually I just want it to remain my little secret.) The cappuccino is the best.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Looking for an Apartment?

I’m currently looking for a new apartment and I just keep laughing at the descriptions these brokers post on craigslist.
Here’s some decripted broker lingo to help you out if you too are looking. Add others! Would love to know what to look out for ;)

cozy=small
charming=unrenovated
1+ bedroom=one bedroom and a small closet
modern=Jennifer Convertibles modern
with yard=dump in back
perfect for a couple=small
manhattan just 15 minutes away=more like 40 minutes
old world charm=old
small kitchen=fridge and stove in living room
no broker’s fee but shown by a broker=fee tapped onto your monthly rent

Underskatement Film Festival

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Underskatement is one of the best film festivals around. I went to my first Underskatement (then called Skatement) in SF a few years back and I must say I was super impressed with the quality and creativity of the flicks shown. The collection are all “handmade” by skaters around the states. Some are about skating, while others are short stories, atmospheric shots, or just total randomness. Either way, it’s definitely worth checking out this Tuesday.
January 4th, 2005, 7:30pm
The Anthology Film Archives: 2nd Ave. at 2nd St.

Welcome 2005! But what about 2004?

New York is full of amazing places, people, and shtuff to do, so when a year comes to a close what should we do? Learn from VH1, and make a top ten list! Below is a list that I invite metblog writers and readers fill in, just like I have (but, you know with their own opinions).

* For the following if you’re listing a locale, also list where it is so people can go check it out

1. Favorite Place for Brunch:Westville on W10th in the West Village
2. Fave Restaurant: Relish on Wythe and N.3rd in Williamsburg, Bklyn.
3. Fave Bar: The Tainted Lady Lounge on Grand and Havemeyer in Williamsburg, Bklyn.
4. Favorite Deli/Food Mart: Sunac 24 hour deli on N. 7th and Bedford in Williamsburg, Bklyn.
5. Favorite Store: About Glamour on N.3rd in in Williamsburg, Brklyn.
6. Favorite Movie Theater: Landmark Sunshine Cinema on E. Houston
7. Favorite Place to Be Entertained or Have Fun for Free: Any dog run in any of the 5 boroughs
8. Favorite Neighborhood: Cobble Hill
9. Fave Local Band: ?
10. Fave Local Resource: freewilliamsburg.com

Happy New Year!

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