I told her that was great, because she seemed really excited, but I was expecting it to be really lame. I was SO wrong. It was awesome. We got to watch two shows being taped. One about lying mates complete with lie detector tests and one where high school geeks come on the show because they’re all hot now. We had great seats for both tapings, the audience was hysterical and I cannot put a price on seeing daytime television up close, personal and uncensored.

Tickets are free and pretty easy to get, so if you happen to have some free time during the week, I strongly suggest checking it out. Go to: www.mauryshow.com.

I tested it by tracking the train route from my mother’s house to my old job. It gave me train directions down to how to walk to the station. Pass it on to your out of town friends who are visiting the city so they’ll stop calling you for directions.

(George H. W. Bush): “And I play dumb. That’s where I’m smart. That’s pretty easy for me.”

(GHWB): “The way we designed it, Charlie, was to give the public the impression that the other people in the background were making those dirty campaign decisions and I was just an innocent wimp doing and saying whatever they ordered me to, like some kind of dumb dodo.”
(Charlie Stubbs): “But isn’t that pretty much the way it happened?”

(CS): “What confounds me still, George, is that you could be the standard-bearer of the vilest, dirtiest, most ugly presidential campaign in modern history and still come out of it looking so squeaky clean. How can it be, George, that people still think you’re basically decent, kind, and gentle?”

(GHWB): “We didn’t really run an antiblack hate campaign, Charlie…[a]ll we set out to do was reach those white people in the country who hate blacks. We figured if we could get our message to voters who are antiblack, we would get close to a hundred percent of the white vote.” (Since you clearly see where I’m going with this, re-read the above statement and substitute “gays”, “pro-choicers”, or “people who don’t feast on the blood of newborns” for “blacks” and see how accurately it describes Dubya’s tactics)

There’s a saying about those not paying attention to history being doomed to…something. Damn. I’ve forgotten it already.

A newspaper job means that no amount of snow or natural disaster (read: Bush’s election to a second term) is an excuse to miss work. I drove in Saturday’s storm. I stayed in Westchester in a company-funded hotel room, not because they care about my well-being, but because they were afraid I wouldn’t make it back in time for work on Sunday. After 38 snow-filled hours in White Plains, an ably plowed and salted town, I returned to Carroll Gardens to find my worst nightmare: no parking due to gi-normous snow candies with car-filled centers.

Seriously, what’s the point of plowing if there’s still six inches of snow on my street and most people need a backhoe to get out of their parking spaces? Did they salt at all while I was gone? Should I check in to the nearest mental-health facility for wondering if I can afford an apartment in Westchester where they know what to do when it snows? WESTchester, people. Do you know how far that is from a subway stop?

Excuse the snow-induced mania, but I just looked outside and saw that it was snowing again….

Anyway, here’s a headline from nytimes.com:
“President Bush pledged to seek ‘freedom in all the world’ as the surest path to peace in an era of terrorism across the globe.”

Good thing his speech writers edited GW’s first draft, which had the next sentence as:
“That’s right: PEACE. Even if I have to kill every single one of you non-American motherfuckers, there’s going to be PEACE up in this bee-yatch. God is OURS, damn it, He blesses US, and don’t you forget it you dirt-worshipping heathens - I’ll shove freedom so far down your fucking throats you’ll bleed from your collective anus. But don’t worry - when it’s over with, I’ll cut your taxes and tell you that I love you…Bush Deuce OUT!”

Many of you will blame the tourists, and while I don’t necessarily agree that they are the bulk of the problem, I think some sort of licensing system could be the solution. You see, walking in a crowded urban area is much like driving - you don’t only have to worry about yourself, but about those travelling alongside you. Did you stop suddenly? You fucked up. Do you walk diagonally, weave back and forth, or otherwise fail to walk in a straight line? You fucked up. Are you standing directly in front of the subway entrance talking to someone, trying to decide which train to take and blocking everyone either coming or going? I’m pushing you both down the stairs, then paying a homeless guy $20 to urinate on you at the bottom.

Then, of course, there’s the class of vehicle. For example, on my license it clearly states I’m only allowed to operate a class D vehicle, “less than 26001 lbs., except for school bus” (let’s not get into the fact that the ONLY big-ass fucker I’m allowed to operate is filled with screaming kids who like fires, throwing things, and loud noises). Well, the same should go for walking. Are you hugely fat? Like, waddling fat? You take up too much space. Like certain highways are off-limits to 18-wheelers, the sidewalks are now off-limits to you. The good news is that you get your own lane, the Waddling Lane. Instead of a diamond (like the car-pool lane), your symbol is three cheesecakes inside a circle of self-loathing. The bad news (for you) is all the new lanes are one-way and head directly to Georgia, where they loves them some fatties and enjoy a slower, more sedentary way of life. Plus, they’ll deep-fry anything.

As for the people who walk 3- or 4-abreast, or couples who refuse to stop holding hands on insanely crowded streets, a fine system will be put in place. For group offenders, the first and only citation involves all of you being thrown into a pit and fighting to the death over a Corky from “Life Goes On” figurine (symbolic of your absolute fucking inability to properly function in society). The last person standing perpetuates survival of the fittest (thereby ensuring you’re less likely to walk slowly or erratically), plus he or she has killed the rest of their group, so problem solved. For couples, the fine is that I get to have sex with your girlfriend. Unless she’s ugly or something, in which case you having sex with her is probably punishment enough. In that case, or in the case of a man-and-man couple, the elderly, etc., the licenses will simply be revoked (i.e. knee-smashin’ time!).

And so forth and so on until this issue is resolved.

Thank you, and happy fucking New Year.