A Commuter’s Manifesto (Part I)

Okay, like, seriously?

There is nothing that pisses me off more than the way most of the Undead wander around The City all aloof and stupid-like. So, this here manifesto is a Call To Arms, so to speak. A sort of Commuter’s Guideline, if you will.



1) Walk with purpose – nothing ruins a day faster than getting stuck in the swarm of bodies that are traversing the streets of The City. Please, for the love of all things NYC, act like a fucking New Yorker and stop dilly-dallying around. Just like on a Freeway, if you are slow-footed, please move yourself to the RIGHT and stay there until you reach your destination. This will allow those of us who are trying to get from Point A to Point B with a little pep in our step to get there without wanting to bash your skull in with whatever junk we find laying on the sidewalk.
2) Stay in your designated “lane” – do not stumble around like Otis from Mayberry after getting loaded on moonshine and a heaping helping of Aunt Bea’s rhubarb pie – stay to the RIGHT with the rest of the sloth-like movers and shakers. If you are unable to walk a semi-straight line, you should not be allowed to leave your house. If you are physically handicapped in some way, this rule does not apply to you. It does, however, apply doubly so to your caregiver, as they should be more conscious of your impact amongst our physically capable comrades.
3) Do not stop in the middle of the fucking sidewalk – Whatever text message you just received on your Crackberry or iPhone will still be there when you move yourself out of everyone else’s way, which is exactly what you should do in that moment. Hell, you can even step off the sidewalk and into the street for a moment to return the volley, and I can bet you most people would APPRECIATE the sentiment. Do not stop in the middle of the sidewalk to admire some over-priced bullshit in a storefront window. Just step into the alcove of the store and look at it from there, and stop acting like a mouth-breather. If, whilst walking, you happen to run into an old college chum, please follow the same directive. Nobody wants to have to side-step you and your pal reminiscing about the time you had your little circle jerk in the dorms at the Tisch School, okay?
4) Walking Two Wide should be enough – large groups of people spanning the sidewalk’s entire width is borderline retarded. So, your little group has left the office to go to Happy Hour, and you’ve decided that it’s awesome to walk to the bar four or five wide, so that you can all talk amongst one another about how much your boss is a dick, right? YOU CAN WHINE ABOUT THAT SHIT TOGETHER, AT THE FUCKING BAR – all you’re doing is pissing off your fellow New Yorkers by acting like a gang of fucking tourists and putting yourselves at risk – sooner or later someone is going to bust one of you in the fucking mouth for your collective asshattery. Ladies – I hate to be the one to break this to you, but this is not your own very special episode of Sex In The City – TWO WIDE IS MORE THAN SUFFICIENT.
5) Stop fucking spitting aimlessly – this is quite possibly the most douchey thing anyone can do while walking in The City, and I see it all the time. I see motherfuckers just spitting all over the place with total disregard for anyone in their vicinity. I once grabbed some teen hoodlum by the neck when he almost hit me with his loogie, and I shook that little bastard up right good on the spot so badly, that some nice lady had to grab my arm to hit that Reset Button in my head before I threw his body out into traffic. It’s one thing to be a kid and spit off the Subway platform onto the tracks – it’s almost a fun little game. But when you’re out on the crowded streets just spraying away, you’re bound to hit someone much meaner than I at some point. Or, if you’re really unlucky, you might catch me by accident when I haven’t had a cigarette for a few hours, which will almost certainly equal your demise.
6) Shut the fuck up with the Crazy-Crazy Off-Key singing– nobody fucking cares what shitty Hot 97 garbage you’re listening to on your iPod, so stop singing out loud and just walk along with the rest of us, fuckface. This will reappear later in the section about riding the subway, so I hope you are paying close attention.
7) CONTROL YOUR WOMB-FRUIT– do I even need to go into details here, or is it pretty self-explanatory?
8) MEN – STOP TURNING AND CONTORTING YOUR ENTIRE BODY TO OGLE THE WOMENS – I have it on good authority that this behavior will NOT get you laid, so knock it the fuck off, okay? It’s one thing to give a second glance at someone, but it is another altogether when you impede the flow of foot traffic just to get a good long look at a caboose. Contrary to what you learned from your older cousin Sonny, but making some guttural sound while leering at a woman isn’t really an inviting situation from her point of view – it is actually quite disconcerting. So is making a very audible comment about her derrière. I know, I know – stop using words that have more than two syllables. Sorry.
9) Get thee off of the steps going down to the Subway – another that should be self-explanatory. Why the fuck do so many people find it necessary to congregate at the top and/or bottom of the stairs leading to and from the Underground Railroad system all of us wage-slaves need to use to get around? Again – this is something that could easily be solved by moving out of the fucking way and to the RIGHT. Or, with a cattle prod. Or maybe a well-timed “slip”, or a size 11 ½ in the ass. Goddamn. Taser, anyone?
10) Umbrellas are lethal weapons – and need to be treated as such. Look, I am a normal-sized MAN-THING. 72 inches tall. Right around the height of the little pokey things on the end of your sissy umbrellas all of you break out at the slightest hint of precipitation. Those pokey things fucking hurt. Thankfully I wear glasses, so I have something resembling eye protection. Some of my more vertically challenged friends have it much worse than I do, as well. The combo-platter of most commuters being painfully aloof and an umbrella is something that all forward-thinking humanimals need to take into consideration once the skies go grey. I have seen some disfiguring accidents on the street involving umbrellas, and they never turn out well for either party. This is why I am morally opposed to even using one. I carry a raincoat thingy that I roll up into my backpack/satchel. Y’all might wanna invest in one. AND WATCH WHERE YOU SWING THAT THING, WILL YA?


2 Comments so far

  1. nativegothamgirl on July 19th, 2008 @ 11:16 pm

    Oh Oh, Don’t forget to mention on the "two-across" rule, that if one person is part of a party, and each member is wide/wider than two across, they should walk single file, if they insist on being in public.

  2. bonywhite on July 20th, 2008 @ 7:28 pm

    Are there separate rules for locals and tourists? In my experience, tourists tend to mull in doorways having conversations about how awesome it is to be in the doorway rather than being back at home wasting their own oxygen supplies. Say, for instance, I am seeking entrance into my favorite watering hole, but Buffy McHerd and his tranquilized closet-lesbian wife are blocking the entrance. Is it acceptable to set her fake COACH clutch purse on fire, or is that a message only locals will understand?

    I notice that in my own small village of culturally sensitive throwback hippies and conspiracy theorists, New Yorkers have similar problems navigating the sidewalk and doorways. Granted, our mud hovels make it difficult for the average New Yorker to enter a building without crouching, but where I am from, crouching doesn’t last the amount of time it takes to kick a New Yorker in the balls. I find that New Yorkers visiting Santa Fe respond positively to rage-induced nut-sackery,but I still believe they vacation here because they believe they are ENTITLED to linger in doorways by virtue of their assumed metropolitan superiority. It is, in effect, the main reason they left New York: to crouch here.

    In the interest of cultural understanding, could you pass on to your fellow city dwellers this staggering bit of news?:

    My village, just like your village, operates on the assumption that people who dilly-dally should do so against a wall, out of the flow of traffic, and out of the doorways. In return, I promise to spread the good word that — unless they want a size 11.5 Red Wing boot shoved deep inside their anal cavity — Santa Feans should follow similar rules of commuting while visiting the best city in the world. We’re still working on the spitting … and what’s an iPod?

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