Assault and fattery.
I just got kicked by a big ugly fat woman!
Just now, walking down Eighth Avenue a few blocks south of the Port Authority, there was a bottleneck on the sidewalk (as there often is there). So as I’m trying to maneuver my way through it, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THE SIDEWALK, this enormous blob of a creature (which, incidentally, bore a striking resemblance to South Park’s version of Sally Struthers, but with ass-length, tar-black hair instead of blonde) plants herself right smack in the middle of the crush and defiantly refuses to shift any of her girth this way or that.
Whatever, lady. Unfortunately, since she chose to stop directly in front of me (it was like coming upon Stonehenge on a Manhattan sidewalk, I kid you not) getting around her in the mob took some fancy footwork on my part. And though I did manage, my shoulder brushed against some part of her mass as I passed.
And that’s when it happened: the ugly troll actually lifted one foot off the ground and kicked me in the shin as I squeezed by her! How she managed to not topple over, I’ll never know. I can only assume that the crowd pressing against us on all sides assisted in holding her more-than-ample frame upright. Honestly, it’s shocking that the single leg that remained on the ground didn’t immediately shatter under the full weight of her gigantitude. Maybe it was a prosthetic. Who knows.
Anyway, after a beat in which I swallowed my utter bewilderment, I gave her a nice “fuck you,” and continued on my way. Jesus.
Fat or skinny, let’s all just try to be considerate of each other out there, people!