Confused about the art market? Want to know which artists are going to be the next superstars? Play the Art Star Game and find out!

Points are awarded to artists as follows:

Category 1: What They Know
Went to art school: +1
Went to art school within day-trip distance of Chelsea (New Haven being the outer limit): +2
Went to art school that actually teaches how to paint and make things: -2
Is a “conceptual thinker” unable to personally make his/her own art (i.e., if making photography, doesn’t know how to use a camera or develop film and hires a “fabricator” to do it): +3
Lets it be known that he/she can actually draw and paint realistically: -5, unless from Leipzig, in which case, +20

Category 2: Whom They Know
Worked as famous artist’s assistant: +1
Is sleeping with famous artist (or major gallerist or Artforum editor): +2
Has incriminating photos of same in latex nun’s habit : +5
Is offspring of major museum trustee: no points. Everyone is just humoring them.
Roberta Smith loves the work: +10
Hilton Kramer loves the work: -10

Category 3: How They Look
Movie star good looks: + 5
So-so looks but dresses notoriously slutty and puts out: +5
Has larger than 28-inch waist: subtract one point per extra inch.
Under 30: +5
Under 35: +3
Over 35: subtract one point for each extra year.

Category 4: Where They Show
Respectable gallery: +1
Respectable Chelsea gallery: +5
Gallery where owner answers the phone during Art Basel Miami Beach week: -10
BONUS QUESTION: On a scale of 1 to 10, how rude is the gallery receptionist? Add one point for each degree of surly aloofness.

Category 5: Artist’s attitude
Ironic: +5
Oversexed, confessional exhibitionist: +5
Stridently political: +5 if left-wing, -50 if right-wing
Earnest, loves beauty: -10, unless people think he/she is using beauty in an ironic way.

SCORING: For investment purposes, a potential art star should score 25 points or more. Unfortunately, there will be a waiting list for that art. You aren’t on it. Thanks for playing.