The Top 10 Unexpected New York Dangers
While the city feels safer to me than it did back in the early ’90s, there are still dangers we all must face. The possibility of getting mugged, getting harrassed, or getting run over by a taxi, bike messenger, or a beemer with diplomat plates are just a few. But even more so are the petty, non-life threatening perils that we run into every day.
Let the countdown begin. . .
10) Getting elbowed in the gut by a tourist. We’ve long established that tourists are oh-so-annoying, especially when they’re backing up on a stairway in Grand Central Station to take a picture and elbowing me in the stomach as I’m descending, all the while wearing an obnoxious cowboy hat.
9) Getting sprayed by the guy hosing down the sidewalk. Okay, not so much a danger than an irritation.
8) Getting an AM New York or Metro thrust in front of me. Trying to hand one to me is one thing, but actually blocking my path so that I have to stop short and possibly have 10 other rushing people crash into me is a hazard.
7) Getting run over by a street cleaner. Well, not so much the street cleaner itself. While they’re large and quite noisy, they move at about two feet an hour. The panicky uptight bitch who pushes me out of the way to get to the sidewalk first is the real menace. Wouldn’t want to be caught in a burning building with that one.
6) Getting suffocated between two largish people on the subway. Do you seriously think there’s room for you to sit? And to sit with your arms akimbo? Move your arms and go on a diet.
5) Getting knocked out by the reek of the urine wall in the subway at 53rd and Lex. Or any other subways around the city.
4) Having my eardrum blown out by the MTA guy on the 4/5/6 subway platform at Grand Central hollering “GOOD MORNING!” every day, and “GOOD MORNING AND HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!” every Friday.
3) Getting stuck in a revolving door with an idiot tourist - those frigging tourists again - who decides it’s best to ride in the same revolving door compartment as me or gets his giant briefcase stuck behind him, and who both have the audacity to look at me like it’s my fault.
2) Getting hit by unanticipated cuteness. Kids are usually annoying to me, whether they’re making too much noise at the next table in Starbuck’s or taking up space on the sidewalk in a bevy of Mercedes-like strollers. But sometimes I’m sucked in by their adorability factor, like this morning when I went to step on the elevator and almost ran smack dab into a guy with a baby strapped to his chest.
The danger is this sets off my “I want a baby” enzyme (sure, I don’t have the one that breaks down alcohol, but the I-want-a-baby-one I have), making me I think I can raise one on my own. Angelina did it before she stole Brad from Jen. Why not me? I’ll just need a jagillion dollars, poufy lips, and giant boobs.
And the number one unexpected, non-life threatening danger we may face and that inspired this rant:
1) Getting attacked by a chihuahua named Peanut Butter on the Upper East Side. Walking behind the dog and its owner, I thought I noticed the pooch glance back at me suspcisiouly, the way I do when someone is about to give me a flat tire. I assumed I was imagining things, and sailed past him, calmly assertive, the way the Dog Whisperer says, or I may have been just sleepy. Suddenly, the thing lunged at me, barking up a storm.
At least the owner apologized. “Peanut Butter!” she cried. “Bad dog!”
Maybe *she’s* the one who needs the Dog Whisperer.
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I was an international student at NYU in the mid 1990’s and am just checking in on the city. I resent #10 on your list, you’ll find most tourists or overseas students are unfailingly polite and affable.
you f–king winer
karim: one can be polite/affable but still be annoying. i’m sure i’ve pissed off natives in other countries i’ve visited by engaging in the same exact practices as tourists here (ie, blocking a busy pathway to snap a pic).
but does that make me more understanding? of course not.
mike: you can say “fucking.” that won’t offend me. c’mon, let’s say it together: FUCKING.
oh yeah, and learn to spell.
Good list, but you’ve overlooked a few:
- Being accosted by (midtown version) someone handing out deli menus or (downtown version) ads for J&R.
- Getting knocked down by a tourist wearing an oversized backpack. Hey, Franz, we know it holds a month’s worth of supplies, but please TAKE IT OFF in the subway.
- Being harrassed by those beggars collecting money in big water bottles. No, I’m not going to give you a penny or dime so PLEASE leave me alone.
I see the persistant attitude of the people of NY hasnt changed at all.
Nice to know you and the city are well. I occasionally miss the place.
annulla: ah yes, how could i forget the ad-hander-outers? i think it’s hilarious when i get one for altering men’s suits. great additions.
karim: “persistant,” a very nice way of saying “stubborn.” the city misses you too. ;)
It’s also very annoying to be gawked at while parallel parking. Then it’s also annoying when you get out of your car and they look at you . . . it happened to me today in Brooklyn. I couldn’t figure out whether they were impressed with the way I fit my car in between an Escalade and a Taurus or if they were monitoring whether or not I would hit their car? They didn’t speak but they did stare…
I think he meant to write, “you fucking weiner.”
You know, he’s just missing Gray’s Papaya.
My favorite pet peeve is number 6, which I encountered this morning when a VERY rotund gentleman who was left breathless just shuffling onto the car plopped down literally half on me and half on the seat next to me.
dhaval: that’s weird. you’d think they’d acknowledge you somehow after you successfully parallel parked.
eric: fucking weiner, huh? in that case, i’ll take it as a compliment.
HAHAHA Great call on the weird greeter at GCT, Angela! I thought I was the only one who noticed that guy. I mean, doesn’t he have something better to do? It’s nice and all, but totally unnecessary.