Dear Douchebags (this means you drunken dillweeds across the hall, the even drunker ones down the hall, AND the stoners who just moved in above me),

I get that you don’t want to let college go. Who does? Endless partying, paying that guy with the glasses in your Intro to Physics class that stares at your boobs when he thinks you’re not looking $20 and a quick flash to do your final paper, puking on some frat boy’s lap as he forces you to give him a blow job after that third roofie-laden PBR. I get it! You want to party forever! That’s great.

My only objection, however, is when you do it in such a way that it affects me, my property, and my friends and family. To wit: when I came home this evening, I found two half-finished beers in front of the front door, a trail of broken beer bottles leading to the elevator, and the grand masterpiece(!) in the elevator, which consisted of several cans of beer that had been thrown at the closed elevator door, leaving lovely drip marks on the interior door as well as a gigantic, putrid puddle of cheap beer that I wouldn’t even have choked down in my most desperate days as a late-80s punk asshole. Of course, I assume that was all done by your douchey friends that you invited over with the expectation that one of them would be desperate enough to bone you.

And how about the neighbors down the hall, who take their sofa out of the living room during parties and lean it against the wall in the hallway so they can fit more douchebags into their living room? Or the neighbors across the hall who have parties on the roof that have people running up and down and slamming the roof access door that’s right outside my apartment until 5 a.m.? Or the new guys upstairs who walked out onto their 6th floor balcony and poured bong water over the edge of their balcony, drenching my roommate who had thankfully just moved his laptop seconds before? My fucking god, people, did you grow up on Planet Asshole?

I would like to urge you to cease your hideously inconsiderate behavior and act like actual adults, which you are clearly just masquerading as while your parents pay your rent. Show some consideration for your neighbors, which means you can’t just throw a lit cigarette butt off the roof onto the balcony below and expect nobody to care when said balcony catches fire.

Love and kisses,
The woman who hopes your future neighbors actually pee off their balconies onto your heads