Name: Peter Benjamin Parker
A.K.A: Spider-Man… but, uh, shhh.
Hometown: Forrest Hills, Queens, New York
Occupation: Student / Freelance Photogrpaher / Super Hero
Memorable Quote: “My spidey senses are tingling.” Perv.

Peter Parker has all the luck. I mean, sure, he’s small and bookish, and upon first glance, you may think he represents some kind of New York City college kid archetype. If you work in publicity, you might even cattily remark that he’s obviously a virgin and probably has a small penis. And, although I cannot verify whether or not the latter is true (no, really, I can’t), I can assure you that homeboy’s got it goin’ on, fo’ real.

While attending a field trip with his class from Midtown High School, Peter was bitten by an irradiated spider that… CHANGED HIS LIFE FOREVER. Seriously, though, even if his intrinsic passion for science wasn’t enough to get him into Stuy, the spider-like abilities he acquired from the spider bite were enough to cement his future success.

With Parker’s transformation and subsequent new/alter identity came an overwhelming amount of responsibility. Because of his super powers, he felt compelled to save the troubled citizens of New York City on a daily basis, that it was his destiny. The moments he was unsuccessful (he claims responsibility for the deaths of his Uncle Ben and former girlfriend Gwen Stacy, as examples) rendered him pained, conflicted, and with enough elements to complete the essay on his journey as a hero.

But, we shall not dwell on the negative. Because, really, super powers? Totally awesome. And, the additional confidence has made Peter a skillful panty-dropper, to boot. His girlfriend Mary Jane is a total babe. And, despite being accepted to Empire State University on an academic-based scholarship that didn’t nearly cover the cost of admission (surprise, surprise!), Parker was smart enough to become his own paparazzo, taking pictures of himself as Spidey fighting crime so that he could sell the shots to the Daily Bugle as a freelance photographer.

More than anything, though, Peter Parker’s web-slinging capabilities, brought on by the spider bite, allow him to never have to take the G when the fucking L-train isn’t running. Bitch.

Name: Michael Corleone
Birthplace: Little Italy, New York
Occupation: Sells olive oil (No, really. Really.)
Interests: Extortion, racketeering, revenge, the opera
Memorable quote: “Don’t ever take sides with anyone against the Family again. Ever.”

The youngest and most beloved son of Italian immigrants Vito and Carmella Corleone, Michael was a Dartmouth graduate and World War II veteran. He vowed to stay out of the family business, but was yanked in when rivals tried to off his father. The next thing Michael knew he was groping for a stashed away firearm in the men’s room of an Italian restaurant in the Bronx, then blowing out the brains of the guys behind the assassination attempt.

Thus began Michael’s life of, um, foodstuff. Betrayals and revenge were around every corner, from his bodyguard in Sicily, to his sister Connie’s abusive, philandering husband Carlo, to Tessio, his father’s right hand guy. But the biggest betrayer was his own brother, Fredo, who helped Hyman Roth and Johnny Ola attempt to do away with the young Don. “I know it was you Fredo,” Michael told him on a crowded dance floor in Havana. “You broke my heart. You broke my heart!” Cue kiss of death.

After his daughter bit the assassin’s bullet meant for him, Michael moved to Sicily alone, where he died at age 77 of a stroke. He had sacrificed a normal life for his family, but in the end he sacrificed family too.

Wikipedia | IMDB (Godfather, Godfather Part 2, Godfather Part 3)

Other Fictional New Yorkers in this series

I just got back from a 21st birthday celebration on the west coast… 5 days in Vegas, 2 in LA, and 3 in San Francisco. It was awesome, but not nearly as awesome as the fact that I am moving to New York City one week from today! Expect more posts from me very soon!

Name: Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man
A.K.A: Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, The Traveler
Occupation: Shapeshifting God / Prehistoric Bitch
Address: 55 Central Park West
Memorable Quotes: “Are you a God? (Hesitant “No” answer) Then…DIE!!!”

Along with its trusty dog-like minions, Zuul (”The Gatekeeper”) and Vinz Clortho (”The Keymaster”), Gozer came to New York through a massive apartment build on the Upper West Side. The building was built by cult-leader Ivo Shandor after World War I and was designed specifically to gather enough psychokinetic energy to act as a portal for Gozer and it’s minions to enter the world and destroy it. Gozer has taken a few forms in the past: during the rectification of the Vuldronaii the Traveler came as a large, moving Torb. Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex supplicants they chose a new form for him–that of a giant Sloar. In 1984 Gozer’s form was chosen by Dr. Raymond Stantz and was that of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

Gozer’s goal was to lead New York City into a disaster of biblical proportions, one that would invoke the Old Testament and “real wrath-of-god type stuff” including (but not limited to) fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling over, forty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together and mass hysteria.

Gozer was ultimately bested by the act of “Crossing the Streams” which was supposed to be bad, but we’re all still fuzzy on that whole God/Bad thing. We’re told it’s something along the lines of all life as we know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in our bodies exploding at the speed of light, but luckily that didn’t happen.

And best of all, after being imprisoned in a ghost containment unit, Mr. Stay-Puft was experimented on and rendered harmless. Later he developed a friendly persona, ultimately joined forces with Gozer’s destructors to help rid New York City of other supernatural creatures. And there’s nothing we love in NYC better than a reformed bad boy.

imdb | wikipedia

Other Fictional New Yorkers in this series

Name: Dorothy Michaels (aka Michael Dorsey)
Occupation: Actress. . .I mean, actor. I mean, actress.
Residence: Manhattan
Memorable quote: “No, no, no – SANDY thinks I’m gay, JULIE thinks I’m a lesbian.”

Michael Dorsey is a talented New York actor most well-known for his work as a tomato. “Nobody does vegetables like me,” he has said. But he’s also notororiously difficult to work with and can’t get a job to save his life. So what else would any self-respecting thespian do but don a dress and go out for the soap opera role his friend Sandy wanted? The surprising thing is that everyone buys it although Dorothy Michaels looks a lot like, well, Dustin Hoffman in drag.

But Dorothy/Michel isn’t satisfied with a steady job and sharing a dressing room with model-like, exercising-in-her-bra loving castmate April (”What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t give my girls tits… tips?”). He has to go and fall in love with the show’s star and doormat, Julie, also the current paramour of the sleazy director, while trying to hide all of this from Sandy, who has proclaimed his feminine alter ego cow-like.

What’s a girl – um, guy – to do? Continue with this charade forever, or tell Julie how he feels and risk losing everything? We all know the answer to that one.

Most recently Michael can be seen appearing in pretentious off-off-off-Broadway plays, but rumor has it that he’ll be doing Surreal Life stint as Dorothy Michaels.

IMDB | The Surreal Life site

Other Fictional New Yorkers in this series

Usually, I don’t have Saturday mornings. I prefer to wake up at 2 p.m., later if possible. If there’s one thing that can get me out of bed on a Saturday, however, it’s the famous $.88 bin at Sounds.
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Name: James “Jimmy” Gatz aka Jay “the Great” Gatsby
Address: West Egg, Long Island
Occupation: Bootlegger
Hobbies: Man About Town
Memorable Quote: Nick: “You can’t repeat the past.” Gatsby: “Why of course you can!”

The tale of Jay Gatsby is a typical New York story about innocent and idealistic young people from America’s heartland who come to the big City and are corrupted by money and power. Born Jimmy Gatz to a poor farming family in North Dakota, like many poor young men, Jimmy goes to the army and becomes an officer. He meets the beautiful Daisy with whom he has a passionate love affair. Daisy comes from a wealthy mid-Western family. She rejects Gatz for the rich and corrupt Chicagoan, Tom Buchanan. Tom and Daisy end up in East Egg, Long Island, where all the fashionable “old” money New Yorkers live or have summer homes.

Gatz is consumed by his love for Daisy. Moreover, having been raised on American “family values,” the young Jimmy feels that having had a sexual relationship with Daisy means they must be married. Realizing that the only way to win Daisy back is to get rich quick, Jimmy comes to New York and follows a path many poor young people still do for easy money: he gets involved in a life of “crime” as defined by the “Man.” Since he lived in the Twenties, this meant he became a bootlegger, working with a Jewish gangster with lots of “gonnections.”

With his new found wealth, Gatsby moves out of the City and buys a mansion in the less fashionable West Egg, just across the bay from where his love lives. He assumes a new mysterious identity as Jay Gatsby, and tries to insinuate himself into the snobby society circles in which Daisy travels. Eventually he and Daisy unite, but she just uses him to make her philandering husband jealous. Driving Gatsby’s car she “accidently” runs over her husband’s mistress Myrtle, a poor married woman from the wrong side of the tracks. Daisy runs back to her husband, knowing he will protect her from the police. Tom delivers the coup de grace to the broken-hearted Gatsby by getting Myrtle’s husband to kill Gatsby. As in most New York tales, the rich get away with murder and the poor get shafted.

Other Fictional New Yorkers in this series

Name: Archie Bunker
Residence: 704 Hauser Street – Astoria, Queens
Occupation: Dock Supervisor / Curmudgeon / Bigot
Hobbies: Racism, saying “Youse”, antagonized left-wingers
Memorable Quote: “You are a meathead!! A meathead, dead-from-neck-up Meathead!”

The quintessential, all-American bigot, Archie Bunker is one of those guys who fails to recognize that the world around him is changing and that he has to change with it. Archie believes that the good old days were better than the days we are living in now, and he pines for the music of Glenn Miller, the leadership of Herbert Hoover and his glorious old LaSalle.

Archie is confounded and annoyed by anyone and everything that doesn’t share his narrow view of the world. He is a brash, uneducated, blue-collar worker, whose small thinking doesn’t make him the most popular man in Queens. Many think that much Archie’s resentment towards the world around him (and specifically to his left-wing son-in-law Meathead) stems from the fact that Archie was forced to drop out of school to support his family during the Depression. Perhaps he feels he didn’t have the same opportunities for education and success that the younger generation does.

In spite of his abrasive nature, Archie is really a good guy deep down. Most notably, when he was asked to join a secret “Christian” club, which is later revealed to be the local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan, Archie balks at the group’s violent methods and attempts to thwart a cross burning.

One of Archie’s most memorable moments occurred when he took up a job moonlighting as a taxi driver and picked up Sammy Davis Jr. as fare. Davis accidentally leaves his briefcase in his cab and comes to Archie’s house to retrieve it. A series of uncomfortable conversations and awkward moments culminates in Archie and Sammy posing for a photo together, during which Davis plants a huge kiss on Archie’s cheek.

Later in life, Archie learns to finally accept the people around him with different background–he takes in his wife Edith’s nine-year old niece who turns out to be Jewish, and later when he becomes the proprietor of his favorite bar Kelcy’s (which he renames to Archie Bunker’s Place), he becomes friendly with his diverse staff, including a Jewish business partner, a Latino waiter and an Irish-Catholic cook. Way to move with the times Archie!

Wikipedia | TVland

Other Fictional New Yorkers in this series

After living in New York City four crazy years, this New Yorker took her first trip to Brighton beach. Dont be too shocked, I have also never been to the Empire State Building, The Statue of Liberty or Ellis Island and I would never dream of going to Times Square New Years Eve. Brighton Beach made me feel like a foreigner in my own country.

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Name: Tess McGill
Occupation: Secretary/Wall Street Wannabe
Home borough: Staten Island
Hobby: Vacuuming topless
Memorable Quote: “I have a head for business and a bod for sin. Is there anything wrong with that?”

Tess McGill is a secretary with moxie who can’t seem to get a break. She gets a hot tip for a new job, only to get caught in a limo with a sleazebag and forced to watch his porn. Then a fairy godmother seems to arrive in the form of a woman boss, Katherine. Katherine promises to help Tess with her career, only to promptly steal Tess’ investment idea.

Instead of credit, she tosses Tess a housesitting gig while she goes off an chichi ski vacation. Karma steps in and Katherine breaks her leg. During her extended absence, Tess discovers her mentor’s misdeed. On top of that, she catches her hairy boyfriend having sex with another woman, she’s just turned 30, and she has bad Staten Island hair.

What better revenge than to get a chic cut, pose as your boss, do her tasty boyfriend, and get the lying, cheating, stealing boss’s bony ass fired? An inspiration for all of us suburban working girls trying to make it in the big bad city.

Last seen Tess was unsuccessfully balancing family and career.

IMDB

Other Fictional New Yorkers in this series