I have noticed a trend by hanging out in the East Village, SoHo, and West Village in the past few years that in order to be seen or recognized or get a mere chance of talking it up with a hottie down the street, you need to be well-equipped. If not, you are doomed to cold glances and upward noses. Fear not, I think I’ve got this shit locked down.

In order to be regarded or mistaken for a celebrity, people go through many different phases. Currently, it’s the phase, as I see it, of misfortune. Sure, you’re paying $2,000 for your studio apartment that forces you to invent different ways of storing your shoes and hats. Yeah, you may make upwards of a 6-figure-salary working for an investment bank, but that’s not going to get you anywhere. It’s your ability to look depressed, out-of-luck, and annoyed at the world that will get you recognized.

The Must List for Being Engaged by Those you Want the Most:

1. A fauxhawk
2. Some instrument strapped to your shoulders
3. Faded jeans
4. Funky odor
5. The look of just having cried for hours
6. Tight-lipped glare
7. Bottle of water
8. American Apparel t-shirt
9. Visible headshot
10. Hungry Artist Walk

The list could go on, but I think the point has been made.