Although I will always have a - I was going to say “fierce,” but who am I kidding? - loyalty to Penn Station, having traversed between New Jersey and New York for over a decade, I love lovely Grand Central.

Let’s face it: Penn Station and Port Authority are ghetto. You only go there to get to somewhere else, and while you’re there, you don’t exactly enjoy yourself. I’ve gone to Grand Central just to hang out. Maybe this is because I used to commute between Westchester and the city, or because my workplace is just a few blocks away, or because I’m a big fat nerd. Whatever the reason, you can hang out in GCT in comfort and style.

And while Port Authority does have its own very pragmatic website, all I could find for Penn Station was this and this, which has nothing to do with the station but is actually a sandwich chain in the midwest (whodathunkit?).

Grand Central, on the other hand, has this fancy-schmancy website that includes not only a listing or shops and restaurants but a history of the place and an interactive, online tour as well. (Please note lots of good info was lifted from this site for this piece.)

Back in the late ’60s, Grand Central was almost torn down but then was declared a landmark. Then it was almost torn down again, at least most of it for the likes of a high-rise, but was saved by the combined efforts of the Landmarks Preservation Commission and city leaders, including homegirl Jackie Kennedy. (Yay, Jackie!)

When major reconstruction began in the mid ’90s, the first order of business was the cleaning of the Main Concourse Sky Ceiling. You may know that the constellations are actually backwards. I’ve heard a couple of different things: 1) that the artist or designer or whomever was looking at the picture the wrong way; and 2) that the constellations are from the viewpoint of looking in from the oustkirts of the galaxy, rather than earth.

Either way, in the winter months, you can enjoy daily laser shows. They’re holiday-themed so they’re fun for stoners of all ages.

The four-faced clock sitting atop the information kiosk on the Main Concourse is worth about a bazillion dollars. Well no, it’s actually more like $10 to $20 million, but it might as well be a bazillion to me. This is because the clock is made out of solid opal. And if you want to go around in circles looking for your friends while they go around in circles looking for you, definitely meet at the information kiosk.

These lightbulbs are uncovered because when they were unveiled back in the beginning of this century, lightbulbs were new and so thought to be all the more cooler unadorned.

As for eats, there are a ton of restaurants in the food court downstairs, and not of the fast and greasy variety either. First up there’s the Oyster Bar & Restaurant. Their oyster stew is famous, but all I have to say about that is: oyster stew = three oysters and a stick of butter. You’re better off with the chowder or oysters on the half shell (okay, totally just drooled).

Of all the other places downstairs I’d have to say I like Junior’s and Two Boots best. Both are chains of course, and Two Boots jacks up its prices (location, location, location) while at Junior’s you can get boatloads of food at reasonable prices (half pound hot dog anyone?). Plus their coffee rocks. I’d say Junior’s has the best coffee in all of Grand Central.

There isn’t any place I hate except for Hale & Hearty Soup. That’s cuz the one time I bought something, the server guy was extremely rude AND there was a fly in my soup. Literally. And it wasn’t doing the backstroke.

For dessert head on over to the Little Pie Company (right near Two Boots) or Ciao Bella for gelato (on the opposite side of Junior’s). Both are excellent, though I am personally more partial to gelato.

Or maybe you just wanna get sloshed before the long ride home. For out of the way, there’s the lovely Campbell Apartment. Cozy and quiet, you can sit in plush and comfy chairs while sipping your brandy and gazing at the ornate décor.

For, um, in the way, there are Metrazur, Cipriani, and Michael Jordan’s steakhouse all on the Main Concourse. Dressed in tourist gear? Head to the bars downstairs instead.

I seriously think you could live in Grand Central. I don’t know if I’d recommend the restrooms for washing up, but the Grand Hyatt is right next door, and there you’ll be able to find yourself some very nice and clean men’s and ladies’ room. Hey, if Gary Coleman did it, so can you. Too bad he had to do it pre-reconstruction.