Here’s my New Year’s resolution: I’m going to stop putting up with you fucking people who don’t know how to walk in a city. I’m just going to carry a lead pipe pull and Nancy Kerrigan your fucking knees so that you have to stay inside all the time. Hopefully crying uncontrollably and periodically losing control of your sphincter because of the pain. And maybe if I’m lucky your family will eventually take you out back and shoot you, then send your remains to the glue factory so when I’m sealing the envelope that contains my final installment for the new lead pipe I have on layaway, a small piece of you goes with it.

Many of you will blame the tourists, and while I don’t necessarily agree that they are the bulk of the problem, I think some sort of licensing system could be the solution. You see, walking in a crowded urban area is much like driving – you don’t only have to worry about yourself, but about those travelling alongside you. Did you stop suddenly? You fucked up. Do you walk diagonally, weave back and forth, or otherwise fail to walk in a straight line? You fucked up. Are you standing directly in front of the subway entrance talking to someone, trying to decide which train to take and blocking everyone either coming or going? I’m pushing you both down the stairs, then paying a homeless guy $20 to urinate on you at the bottom.

Then, of course, there’s the class of vehicle. For example, on my license it clearly states I’m only allowed to operate a class D vehicle, “less than 26001 lbs., except for school bus” (let’s not get into the fact that the ONLY big-ass fucker I’m allowed to operate is filled with screaming kids who like fires, throwing things, and loud noises). Well, the same should go for walking. Are you hugely fat? Like, waddling fat? You take up too much space. Like certain highways are off-limits to 18-wheelers, the sidewalks are now off-limits to you. The good news is that you get your own lane, the Waddling Lane. Instead of a diamond (like the car-pool lane), your symbol is three cheesecakes inside a circle of self-loathing. The bad news (for you) is all the new lanes are one-way and head directly to Georgia, where they loves them some fatties and enjoy a slower, more sedentary way of life. Plus, they’ll deep-fry anything.

As for the people who walk 3- or 4-abreast, or couples who refuse to stop holding hands on insanely crowded streets, a fine system will be put in place. For group offenders, the first and only citation involves all of you being thrown into a pit and fighting to the death over a Corky from “Life Goes On” figurine (symbolic of your absolute fucking inability to properly function in society). The last person standing perpetuates survival of the fittest (thereby ensuring you’re less likely to walk slowly or erratically), plus he or she has killed the rest of their group, so problem solved. For couples, the fine is that I get to have sex with your girlfriend. Unless she’s ugly or something, in which case you having sex with her is probably punishment enough. In that case, or in the case of a man-and-man couple, the elderly, etc., the licenses will simply be revoked (i.e. knee-smashin’ time!).

And so forth and so on until this issue is resolved.

Thank you, and happy fucking New Year.

11 Comments so far

  1. crackerjack (unregistered) on January 5th, 2005 @ 9:43 am

    If you don’t like crowded places, what are you doing in New York?

  2. ~dana (unregistered) on January 5th, 2005 @ 12:36 pm

    I second this proposal–I couldn’t agree with your more. I used to work in Chinatown which represents the epitome of bad NYC walking/stopping/swerving. I swear I almost ran down tons of little old Chinese ladies. I might have had an aneurism if I had to deal with that much longer. The lead pipe sounds like a grand idea to me.

  3. Joe (unregistered) on January 5th, 2005 @ 3:36 pm

    LOL… the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding move!! That’s hysterical but completely necessary. Go for it.

  4. Josh (unregistered) on January 7th, 2005 @ 10:39 am

    You’re thinking too small, this should be applied nationally, especially to malls. Man I’d love to bash the knees of that parent who uses their stroller as a shopping cart with shit falling off all the time…..biggity fuckin’ bam ! They’d probably just strap the stroller to the new Rascal scooter though….and that’s a whole ‘nother issue.

  5. Cory. (unregistered) on January 7th, 2005 @ 2:57 pm

    Why stop there? Let’s just make all those people aimlessly walk the subway tunnels to get around, forcing them to dodge trains as they go by, that way we don’t have to waste the energy hitting them, and just let the trains pick them off one at a time for us. Plus, I’m sure all that blood would be great lubricant for the train wheels.

  6. bird_of_paradox (unregistered) on January 8th, 2005 @ 8:28 pm

    i love you and want to have your babies

  7. crackerjack (unregistered) on January 10th, 2005 @ 3:03 am

    Hey, I propose that it should be allowed to take babies out of trolleys and stomp them to death with military boots and then make the mother eat their brains. And then sodomize the mother with the remains of her baby. I mean, she deserves if she dares to walk outdoors with a trolley!

  8. Josh (unregistered) on January 10th, 2005 @ 11:16 am

    Gee, CRACKERJACK, that’s just silly.

  9. crackerjack (unregistered) on January 12th, 2005 @ 2:45 am

    No, it is satire.

    IMHO the idea of maiming or killing people for “bad walking” is stupid.

  10. Josh (unregistered) on January 12th, 2005 @ 11:21 am

    Oooooohhhh…how stupid of me. I didn’t realize that your over-the-top suggestion could POSSIBLY be satire. My bad. Yet bang-up job of spotting my post for what it is: a recommendation that I wish everyone to take literally! Did you eat poor Irish babies after reading “A Modest Proposal”? IMHO! LOL! YAFJ! (That last one stands for “You’re A Fucking Jackass”!)

  11. crackerjack (unregistered) on January 13th, 2005 @ 2:41 am

    Alright, I’ll accept your apology. Just don’t ever do it again, okay?

Terms of use | Privacy Policy | Content: Creative Commons | Site and Design © 2009 | Metroblogging ® and Metblogs ® are registered trademarks of Bode Media, Inc.